A Johnny Pork Her and Seven Up
Football may be considered the beautiful game, but in recent weeks, it’s become dirtier than Ashley Cole’s mobile phone.
John Terry has to shoulder the blame for football’s descent into the gutter. Rule number one in the dressing room is never stir a team-mate’s porridge, no matter how inviting the bowl.
I have a certain amount of sympathy for Terry, as the Chelsea captain had a difficult upbringing. Not many people know that his father has mental problems after fighting in the Vietnam War, and will often be seen obsessing about flogging Charlie.
When Terry’s father first exhibited symptoms of being a nutcase, John desperately needed his mother for support, but he never got to see that much of her; mainly because she wore a balaclava to work.
Sad as his childhood undoubtedly was, this does not excuse the fact that Terry knocked up his mistress. When you play away from home, you've got to keep it tight at the back.
While Terry deserves to be chastised, I think Bridge’s bint also comes out of the affair in a negative light. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she’s had her hands on more helmets than Michael Schumacher.
Wayne Bridge is understandably devastated about the affair and refused to shake Terry’s hand when Manchester City travelled to Stamford Bridge. He was probably worried that Terry would make him smell his fingers.
Bridge remains inconsolable and has even pulled out of the England squad. In my opinion, John Terry should have withdrawn, although he appears unfamiliar with the concept.
The problem with Terry impregnating a team-mate’s bint is that other players will naturally become suspicious. Wayne Rooney was concerned that JT may have been little Kai’s father, especially when the kid wouldn’t stop crying.
Luckily, Kai takes after Wayne in another area; he enjoys sucking the breasts of women 30 years older than him.
Carlos Tevez also questioned his child’s parentage when he realised the infant looked nothing like him. The problem was resolved when the baby’s mother made a cup of tea.
Ashley Cole will almost certainly be keeping an eye on Terry now that his relationship with Cheryl is under more pressure than Frank Lampard’s knees.
Ashley has once again been caught playing away, and had the bare-faced cheek to try and blame his wife. The lad’s got some balls, according to my latest text message.
Cole now regrets his actions and is trying to placate his bint by going to a celebrity endorsed sex addiction support group. ‘Tiger Woods Addiction Therapy’ has an unusual slogan: ‘Addicted to sex? Get TWAT. Cole is unlikely to last.
As well as undergoing therapy, Ashley has even turned to religion in order to turn his life around. He can often be found on his knees, practicing on a hymn.
In an impressive effort to reconnect with his wife, Cole is also watching boxsets of Cheryl’s favourite television programme, ‘Friends’. According to a source, he’s not a great fan of Aniston, but he’s loving Cox.
I’ll leave you with a little tip, as Ashley Cole said to the barber. Never leave your wife with John Terry.
