Yule love it if you try it
My wife is always finding herself involved in comical misunderstandings. This is almost certainly the result of her being about as bright as Fred West’s patio.
Last year, when I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she replied that she’d like me to just surprise her; so I stuck a bag over her head and dived through her rear window.
There was a similar mix-up the year before. The bint asked me to treat her like a footballer’s wife, so I sat on a mobile phone then beat her up.
This year, to avoid any confusion, I’ve bought her a nice gold coloured chain. It wasn’t exactly what she wanted, but I couldn’t afford a pearl necklace.
The wife is equally inept in the gift-selection department; all she’s bought me this year is a pair of pants. I’m not complaining though, they used to belong to her sister. I plan to wear them like a hat.
My mom is normally meaner than Cheryl Cole when she spies a black woman in a toilet, but this year she gave me £20 to spend on a jumper. Unfortunately, it unseated the rider at the last fence.
I’ve already received the best present a man could wish for. It’s been announced that Jamie Redknapp will spend two days a week coaching Chelsea’s reserves: I’m praying that it’s Saturday and Sunday.
Chelsea have now hired Jamie ‘Son of Satan’ Redknapp and Ray ‘Very Butch’ Wilkins. If they go on to poach that bint off Match of the Day I’ll happily stop sending letters of excrement to Roman Abramovich.
The Chelsea boys thoroughly enjoyed the crack at their Christmas party, without ever wandering into Jonny Evans territory. John Terry reportedly hogged the karaoke machine: I imagine all of his teammates soon tired of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.”
I also enjoy the traditions of the season. I look forward to a ‘Peter Andre’ dinner, that’s a turkey with a couple of vegetables. I’ll then have a little kip while the wife shoves a couple of nuts in her mouth.
When I awake, we’ll all gather around the tree to open presents. I’ve splashed out on a real tree this year that I’ve nicknamed ‘Rio’, as it’s always dropping needles.
I do thoroughly relish the yuletide festivities, but I also take time to remember that we are celebrating the birth of Jesus.
They say He could feed 5,000 people with just two fish and five loaves of bread. That’s not a lot of food; Frank Lampard produces more than that when he flosses his teeth.
I have no reason to doubt the authenticity of the miracle, as I believe that anything is possible, with the exception of knocking one out to a Lily Allen video. I’ll almost certainly be decorating my underwear when Arsenal beat Aston Villa; I’m investing three points at 2/1.
