Won’t Somebody Think Of The Pancakes!
Harry Redknapp has always been on good terms with Lady Luck, if we choose to disregard his disappointing results in the offspring department. Even when Harry was left with no sense of smell after a car crash in 1990, his other senses were all heightened; so he can now spot a pound coin from over 500 yards away.
When Harry brought Jermain Defoe to Portsmouth, he agreed to a clause that entitled Spurs to 30% of any future transfer fee. By bringing Defoe back to the Lane, Harry has basically paid himself £4m. So it’s just another normal day at the office for the twitchy megalomaniac.
Redknapp is often referred to as ‘Harry Houdini’, presumably for managing to constantly escape from the filth. The nickname may derive from his fondness for magic: he has a great trick where he puts your coin behind his ear.
The wheeler-dealing jellied-eel munching ‘we only kill our own’ mantra-reciting wide-boy has said that he would have been a taxi driver if he never made it in management. You know you’re paying an extra 20% in that cab.
Harry’s management style is undoubtedly successful, as players respond positively to an arm around their shoulders. They don’t realise that he’s just trying to gain access to their pocket.
After stealing Defoe with his underhand tactics, Harry now hopes to repeat the feat by tapping-up showing an interest in Stewart ‘Downs’ Downing.
Downing has now handed in a transfer request as he fancies his chances of winning trophies at the Lane. ‘Downs’ is probably correct in this assumption: Spurs will start as favourites in the Championship next season.
Steven Gerrard is no stranger to the transfer request: the Met Office don’t consider it summer until Stevie tries to leave Liverpool.
It’s reached the stage now where Gerrard would prefer prison to Anfield, judging by his involvement in the shoeing of a DJ.
The circumstances of the brawl are truly bizarre. It’s not often you’ll see a DJ fear for his safety after refusing to play Phil Collins, although that’s a likely scenario in Ashley Cole’s ‘local’.
Stevie’s behaviour is unbecoming of a player who has captained England. He really should have punched the DJ while reciting passages from Mein Kampf.
Gerrard’s arrest came at the worst possible time for his manager, who was recovering from a major operation. Kidney stones hurt more than racist abuse from Cheryl Cole.
I don’t want to go in too hard on Stevie, as he’ll have enough of that later. Gerrard is now looking at a long stretch, in more ways than one. It’s a good job he’s used to going down on a whim.
If Stevie does end up in prison, it’s the kids that I feel sorry for. There’s a stigma attached to having a father who’s a doorman.
Luckily his wife would never stray if he gets banged up; well not for the first few minutes. After that, she’ll be eating more Pancake than Micah Richards on Shrove Tuesday.
I’m greedily tucking in to Pompey in the Asian Handicap ‘draw no bet’ market against Manchester City. My two point investment at 2.06 is definitely worth raising a glass to, but try not to bounce it off a DJ’s head.
