Terry’s Chocolate Outrage
It’s not been a great week for right-wingers. A leak of the BNP membership list has left many knuckle-dragging hate-mongers fearing for their careers. “I could lose my job,” whined a Mr T from Saffwest London.
In what continues to be a pleasing week for Guardian-reading celery-munching lentil-worshiping lefty types, tubby Neanderthal Jon Gaunt has been dismissed from Talksport. The producers now plan to move the show on to a more intellectual level, so it’s only a matter of time before Ian Wright receives a richly deserved promotion.
I hope Wrighty shares his invaluable insight on the credit crunch. My wife has lost her business as a result of the economic downturn; she simply could no longer afford the travel expenses incurred on the trips to the telephone boxes.
The bint’s lack of disposable income has had an unfortunate knock-on effect in other areas. The local KFC and Greggs have also called it a day.
Times are so hard for the bint; she’s been reduced to shoplifting. Luckily she can fit three chickens in one of her stomach flaps.
Having her at home all day is proving grating for me. As a proud Sweaty, she continually annoys me with her claim that Diego Maradona is an honorary Scot. In my opinion, Diego is a dishonest, fat, drug-abusing nause, so I can’t really argue with her point.
I’ve had to make financial cutbacks myself. I can no longer afford to splash out money on dating loose women in the hope of being granted a fumble at the end of the evening. I’m going to have to bite the bullet and make friends with Alex Gerrard.
It upsets me to see fellow football fans failing to grasp the fact that we’re in a recession. There are plenty of Middlesbrough fans throwing money away on replica shirts, when for a fraction of the cost they could just as easily make clear their allegiance by wearing a t-shirt that says “I’ve made out with my Dad.”
Roman Abramovich is another victim of the credit crunch; he’s reportedly lost out to the tune of £11b. I do empathise with the Russian ‘businessman’, I lost a score on Arsenal last week, and I couldn’t wait to get home to kick the cat. To make matters even worse, it cost me another tenner to buy a kitten on the way home.
Abramovich plans to reduce overheads by making Chelsea players pay for their meals. He hopes to raise significant funds from Ashley Cole, who often pays a tidy sum to eat.
Didier Drogba will be spending a fair amount of time with Cole and BFF in the canteen now that he’s received a three match ban for attempting to double the weekly wage of a Burnley supporter.
It’s the double standards that annoy me. Poor Drogba receives a ban for throwing a coin, while John Terry gets away scot-free even though he’s a tosser in every match.
In light of the financial crisis, I’m determined to find a winning nap. For the first time in my tipping career, I’ve had two losers in a row - I feel like Mrs Neville. That awful run will come to an end when Man Utd beat Aston Villa - I’m in for one point at a mammoth 5/6.
