I’ll Maim That Toon In One
As an alleged father of two small kids, I have become accustomed to children’s television.
While watching an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I was stunned to hear the characters continually reference Harry Redknapp. I lost count of the amount of times they screamed “Power Bunger.”
As the country’s leading sports journalist, I felt it was my duty to investigate any further links between the beautiful game and the soul-destroying dirge that passes for entertainment to the result of our drunken fumbles.
Wayne Rooney has clearly influenced Fireman Sam, judging by Sam’s fondness for the hose.
While watching Postman Pat, I immediately spotted the Ashley Cole angle. His first job every morning was to jump on the mail.
The creator of Robin Hood was also a huge Cole fan, judging by Robin’s delight in “Riding through the Glen.”
Thomas the Tank Engine has shades of Sir Alex Ferguson, as he spends most of the day steaming.
The Teletubbies are almost an exact replica of Chelsea FC. They’re dull to watch and one of them is a secret sausage smuggler.
The Flintstones appear to have been based on Joey Barton, judging by the unnecessary Barney.
Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street was clearly a composite of Rafa Benitez. He looked perfectly at home in a loony bin.
The Lone Ranger was undoubtedly influenced by Sol Campbell. There was an unusually depressing episode where the horse was chopped up into dog food. It was entitled “Thirty Pieces of Silver.”
Frank Lampard certainly carried a lot of weight with the writers of the A-team. Hannibal was often heard to proclaim, “I love it when a flan comes together.”
It’s not just TV programmes that are inspired by footballers, the reverse is also commonplace. Every time the Manchester City players go out to a nightclub, they all shout to Robinho, “Pokémon.”
Carlos Tevez is quite clearly a huge fan of Muffin the Mule. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Steve Bruce may resemble Mr Potato Head, but he acts like a villain from Scooby Doo. The Wigan manager had concocted an elaborate scheme to keep all of his best players, and he would have got away with it, if it wasn’t for those Heskey bids.
And finally, as if any more proof were needed, The Wombles had such a profound effect upon Sam Allardyce, the Panorama aficionado spends every January picking up rubbish.
I’ll be picking up a tidy sum when my one point investment on Manchester City to beat Stoke obliges at 13/10, it’s child’s play.
