It’s Like Déjà Vu All Over Again
My wife is convinced that Michael Owen will never play for Newcastle again. I overheard her on the phone to her mother saying that he’s not big enough to make the side.
It’s Like Déjà Vu All Over Again
The Stub of the Green
I was disappointed by Coleen’s decision to opt for a caesarean. It’s not like a natural birth would prove problematic, I imagine it would closely resemble the log flume at Alton Towers.
Two Mongs Don’t Make a Right
I was on the bus this morning when a paraplegic approached and pointed to a sign on the window. The sign read: ‘This is a priority seat; please give it up for a disabled person.’ I said: “You’re the man - I like you’re style - you’ve got it going on.”
The Lady in Shed
Respected journalist and radio DJ James O’Brien labelled Lampard as ‘weak’ and ‘scum’ for allowing his kids to move into a shed while he continues to live the high life in his mansion. Frank went on air in a misguided attempt to defend himself - his defence being that his mom had passed away a year before. He’s milking that like an experienced farmhand.
Liar-Man Sam and the Petty Sweaty
I’ve found the recent behaviour of Alex Ferguson contemptible. Instead of going mano-a-wino with Rafa Benitez, Fergie has shamefully teamed up with fat envelope-merchant Sam Allardyce. The fiery Scot has seriously gone down in my estimations - and my original estimate was relatively low.
Liar-Man Sam and the Petty Sweaty
A Twat in my Kitchen
I hear that Sol Campbell is quite the poultry connoisseur; his signature dish is chicken wings in HP sauce. He loves dipping his bone in the brown stuff.
Not by the Clare on her chinny chin chin
It is with a heavy heart that I have to criticise todger-dodger Clare Balding for her ‘get your teeth done’ gaffe after last week’s Grand National. It was totally out of character for Clare, it was the first time she’s ever had a foot in her mouth.
Not by the Clare on her chinny chin chin
Ask not what you can do for your mum, Terry
The one perplexing element about the items she stole is the Pedigree Chum; I’m assuming she was looking for a pregnancy gift for Coleen Rooney.
Ask not what you can do for your mum, Terry
Jade to make your mouth water
I don’t know if there is a heaven, but if there is, Jade will be up there with all of the other saintly figures who have sadly passed away. She’ll probably be having a chat with Mother Teresa about how stuck up Gandhi is, or as she’ll probably refer to him, ‘Naandi’.
Get your Fritz out for the lads
Josef Fritzl is arguably a positive role-model. It takes real dedication to maintain such a long-term relationship.
Get your Fritz out for the lads
A Mountain out of a Cole Hill
Another reason for doubting the authenticity of the climb was the surprisingly healthy state of the alleged climbers. I saw pictures of Cheryl at the half-way point, and she was more made-up than Ashley Cole with a second anus.
When the Goat comes in
Betty’s recent apathy to all things boudoir came as a genuine surprise. When she was younger, she was shot over more than the Sri Lankan cricket team bus.
Sympathy for the Neville
The Nevilles also grew up in abject poverty; the brothers even had to share the same toothbrush. Children would accuse Phil of being a minge like his brother Gary; you could say he was “tard with the same brush”.
The Colly and the IV
Stan Collymore’s latest newspaper column had to be seen to be believed. He had the cheek to call Robinho lazy: I’m surprised he didn’t go on to criticise Chris Brown for beating up Rihanna.
The Bitterest Phil, It’s Hard To Swallow
Some might say that karma has played a role in Chelsea’s demise after they arrogantly booked their hotel for the Champions League final last November. That was probably the most overly optimistic move since Jack Tweed bought Jade Goody a hairbrush.
The Bitterest Phil, It’s Hard To Swallow
To Be Frank, He’s a Plank: To Be Franker, He’s a Wanker
Hopefully, the FA will act retrospectively on Bosingwa's karate kick, and bring charges against Frank Lampard. The challenge on Benayoun was clearly anti-Semitic: I believe Lampard orchestrated the attack to protest against the Jewish policy on bacon.
To Be Frank, He’s a Plank: To Be Franker, He’s a Wanker